Choice: Do We Have It Or Not?
About three weeks ago at the new 4th Dimension Group (meets at the little white house at Central and Grandview, near the intersection of Nolensville Rd. and Thompson Lane), I heard a fellow, to whom I shall refer as “Ray”, sharing about choice. I always perk up my ears when I hear someone bring up the matter of choice, for it is one of the relatively few topics straight from the Big Book about which I believe there is great misunderstanding. Of course, it may very well be ME who has the misunderstanding.
Ray has several years of sobriety and shares a lot of good experience, strength, and hope. But when I heard him say that today he has no choices, I cringed. He said he not only had no choice in the matter of drinking, but that furthermore, his being at this very AA meeting was not a matter of choice, that he just ended up here thanks to his higher power.
Unlike Ray, I am thrilled to have a choice on this day, which for me is only DAY 30 after the most recent of many, many relapses – a fact I am not at all proud of (more on my relapses later; back to the point). It seems clear to me that I have a choice today – a choice regarding whether or not to drink or use other mood–altering substances, and a choice to step outside and smoke a cigarette at this very moment. (Be right back.) I choose to make this blog entry, and I’ll choose to get in my car in a couple hours to go see my addictionologist at Vanderbilt.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
I have often heard folks share in meetings that they do not have the choice of whether to drink or drug, based on the big book passage above. It appears to me that Bill W. is speaking within the context of active alcoholism here, when the surrounding paragraphs are taken into account. When we are in the throes of active addiction and alcoholism, the mental obsession – coupled with the physical craving – kicks in, and I effectively have no choice in the matter: I must take more pills, I must drink more alcohol. Today, I am capable of making the choice to do the next right thing because there are no mood–altering chemicals coursing through my veins.
