An Answer
Despite my many character defects, I have some inborn traits that have stood me in good stead in my life. One of them is dogged persistence when I really need to do or understand something that I realize is important. At that point in time I didn’t have much, but I did have a mind unclouded by drugs. When I picked up the Bible this time, I did so with the intention of learning; merely reading it had been an exercise in futility so far. Also, I had all the time in the world, and nothing else to do with it.

My Hindu upbringing rebelled every step of the way. My cynical mind attempted to punch holes into every second precept I came across. My unschooled instinct for logic and coherence refused to correlate the things I read with my actual life experiences. I had zero faith. And yet, I had no choice, either – it was either attempt to understand the God who could save me, or die an addict’s death.

I was not without human guidance. Some of it was extremely helpful; some was completely harebrained and biased towards the personal wishful thinking of my instructors. But I had understood that I needed to find a God of my own understanding, and so I sort of filtered the wheat from the chaff as I went along. The one hope that kept me going was to discover In Jesus Christ a personal Savior – one who knew and understood me and cared for me intimately, and who would help me make sense of the debris of my past. I desperately needed to believe in the unbelievable promise of unconditional forgiveness, and my heart ached for a sense of personal worth.

I did a lot of Bible reading before I actually got down on my knees to pray. When that eventually happened, I began an extended wrestling match with God that has not really ended to this day. For instance, I still find it impossible to reconcile the story of Creation with physical evidence to the contrary that abounds in museums of Natural History. But that did not matter then or now (except as ammunition in one of those pointless pseudo–intellectual discussions I occasionally allow myself to get involved in).

A few months after I began my struggle for faith and belief, I stayed up the better part of a night and recorded its milestones in the following song. I sang it in church once, but could not convey its background of spiritual struggle in the few minutes I was given:

Morning had broken, I had awoken
Full of myself and my human pride
If I had faith, it was but a token
My field of pain was ten acres wide

No way of knowing where I was going
I questioned God and called it a prayer
Then I was told that His plan unfolds in
Man’s deepest, darkest night of despair

When I first knelt my aching pride felt that
This was my most pathetic defeat
But I was seeking a guiding Beacon
I would not find it while on my feet

I’d heard that Jesus came to release us
I said, “Redeemer, I live in sin
Show me the way, for I am astray, Lord
Life is a war that I cannot win.

Heaven’s own Savior, I heard You gave Your
Innocent life for people like me
Make me believe so I can receive you
Into my heart, Lord – please set me free.”

There was a silence, and my heart’s violence
Stilled when He said, “What you cannot do
I do with pleasure, for you are My treasure
Here is your peace, child – I am with you.”

Now morning has broken, and I’ve awoken
With an assurance deep in my heart
His hand’s in mine, this day will be fine, for
Jesus is with me right from the start.

The last line of the second–last stanza is based on an almost audible message that I received one early morning two years previously.

At that time, I had relapsed into drug use after my umpteenth admission in the same rehabilitation center I finally wrote this song from. I had made up my mind to leave the place, fully aware of what would inevitably happen after that. My bags were packed… but something had prompted me to turn to God in prayer and ask Him what He thought of it. I needed to know if there was the slightest chance that there could be a good ending to this story, after all. There had been a long silence as I stared into the slowly reddening dawn sky – and then I heard it in my heart, loud and clear:
“I Am with you.”
That was all. Even in my relative spiritual ignorance, I found it immensely comforting. I’ve never had a similar experience again. But then, in the light of how Christ turned my life around a couple of years later, I didn’t need to.